Some Days

Sometimes, it gets really hard. It gets really hard to go to bed at night, because I never know how I’m going to feel in the morning. It gets really hard to get up for work in the morning, because I know the moment my eyes open that I’m going to be sick. It gets really hard to take care of yourself or your house or your family, because you spend so much time in the hospital or a bed, just trying so hard to live a normal life that you don’t GET to live because you have a chronic illness.

Sometimes, it gets hard to watch other people live their lives. It gets hard to watch people hold down the nine to five, or be able to sleep an 8 hour night, or be able to eat a meal with a friend that doesn’t send them to the hospital in the morning. It is hard never knowing what the next day is going to bring to you. It is hard never being able to make a solid plan for anything, and when you try you have to make sure you know where to find the nearest hospital. It gets hard to take all of the medication all of the time. It gets hard to go to the doctor all of the time. It gets hard to lose days or even weeks of your life because you are sick, some of those days not just mundane middle of the week, but important milestone days, too. Sometimes, it just gets really hard.

I haven’t been well, truly, since the 18th. That is the last morning that I woke up without the fear. On the 19th, my eyes flew open and my feet flew to the bathroom, and my dinner flew out my mouth. That may be a little too descriptive for you, I’m going to assure you then when you are living with this on a daily basis, that is a very mild way to put what happened. I can’t tell you how many times I have been to the hospital in the past week and a half. I know one day, I had to go twice. I have barely eaten, I have lost weight, I cannot sleep, and I’m almost constantly sick. Time means nothing, as it is currently almost 2:00 a.m. and I am wide awake and feeling well. Or rather, well enough. I have no energy whatsoever, and feel super weak and a little dizzy. However, I am not rushing off to the hospital this morning, I do not think. At least, I hope not.

I could probably write a book about how my diabetes is constantly trying to kill me, but I am too exhausted from being sick. If it’s not the retinopathy, it’s the neuropathy; if it’s not the neuropathy, it’s the gastroparesis. If it’s not the gastroparesis, it’s just random weird blood sugars. But, everyday, it’s something. And then! And then we add on all of the psychological issues, which brings four new medications to the plate, and I find myself stuffing down wee fistfuls of pills just so I can sleep at night. And if I didn’t take the psych meds, then the toll of the chronic illness would only be worse on my brain and I would only end up needing more psych meds. Everything is a vicious cycle.

So no, this was not a happy blog was it? If you are a long time reader, then you know I occasionally use my blog as a vehicle to express my emotions on a deep level, and I guess today was one of those days. I have just been sick for so long, and I am so tired. Sometimes, it gets really hard.