Forgive Me if I Don’t.

This first paragraph is from some freeform writing I did a while ago just to get myself in the groove:

We used to explore abandoned places with little flashlights before we had cell phones to light our way, hopping fences and sneaking through windows, looking for buildings no one had been in for years. We were stupid and risky, but we didn’t know it at the time. We would dance in the dark of the cemeteries, the hidden spots, the smugglers alleys, the dive bars, searching for something intangible.

So over Christmas, one of my younger cousins (well, 22) was telling me about how he and his friends often hit up a bar that I attended very frequently in my youth. Later that night, I was contemplating the evenings we spent in that bar, and others. I thought then of all the other capers me and my 20-something-year-old friends would get into.
Looking back, it makes me sad that those times have gone because a lot of those people have gone as well, at least from my daily life. Social media being what it is, I can look up all of them right now and find out what they are doing, but how often do we actually check in?

I tend to make a big deal about checking in. I worry about people, pretty much anyone who has ever crossed my path, but especially those who have crossed my heart. The other day I texted a friend, just to say hello, just to say I’m still here. Sometimes in life we need someone to say hey- I’m still here. I have found this to be particularly true since losing mom, and in the past year I have not accomplished what I wanted to, but what I have accomplished is making sure that the people I love are aware that I love them. You can never say I love you too much, I know that now.

When Mom died, people checked in a lot for the first couple of months. It tapered off, as I expected it to, and I understand that. Everyone grieves differently, and the grief that my immediate family carries with us will never go away. Perhaps other’s grief will not leave either, but it will quiet in a way, and  I  unfortunately do not have that privilege.

So, what I figured I can do, what I can put out into the world, is more love. And so, when you cross my mind, know that I want to talk to you. Know that I am thinking about you, when I send you a text or Facebook meme or Snap. Know that when your picture pops up in my memories on Facebook there is a really good chance I want to repost it or send it to you. There’s a pretty decent chance I will, actually, because it is important to me, as stated, to make sure people I love know that I love them.

I wrote a poem for Sahar the other day, which is something interesting. I only have a handful of poems about my friends, because the love that I share with them is already poetry. But I wanted to express to her that everything she has done for me has made me stronger and better and wiser. I want her to know that I love her, and I will always be grateful for her contributions to my life.

If you have heard from me in the past year, there is a good chance you have been on my mind more than once. I wrote the opening paragraph of this blog a while ago as a sort of freewrite, and when I read it back this morning it reminded me of all the people in my life that have led me to where I am now. My friends from high school, the boys from the band, the quadrangle (plus Tom,) the theater folk, and everyone in between. There will never be enough ways to express how grateful I am, and how much I love these people.

I was talking to my other cousin about how I only made one friend in my thirties. That person is Carey. I love her as much as I love everyone else, but we are still building our history together. I don’t miss her yet, and I hope I never will, because the people I do miss sit in my heart forever.

Friendship is the most important thing we have in life. I mean, even with my relationship, Mark knows Sahar comes first. Mark knows that we can break up, we can change, we can redefine our relationship, but I will never do that with her. It would take a literal Act of God for that girl to leave my side, and vice versa.  I mean, it’s obvious I’m also getting Kevin in the divorce…that’s right there in our imaginary prenup.

Please know, my people, that I will never not want to hear from you. My former crush who texted me the other day about an antique shop? Thank you, sir, well done! My friend from the theater who wants to try comedy and sends me videos of her work? Keep it coming, girly! Random text from high school besties? Accepted all day, everyday.

I love my friends so dearly, even those I don’t speak to on a regular basis. I love my people, and I’m terrible at letting you go, so please forgive me if I just…don’t.