Little Miracles

It is very early in the morning.  Or very late at night.  Time has lost all meaning to me over the past few days, if I’m honest.  I was sick again yesterday, and took another trip to the ER.  It was quick and I was home in my bed before I knew it, which was good, but then I pulled another night of wacky sleep.  So, here we are, nearly 4am and I am starting my blog instead of my coffee pot, hopeful that I can get another hour or two before taking Mark to work.  I don’t see it happening, though, as I am wide awake and also, a little scared to go to sleep.  It’s when I wake from sleeping that I get sick, so when I wake up well, I don’t want to go back and see what happens.  Sleeping at night alone makes me nervous…I don’t need that stress in the wee hours of the morning.  I would much rather embrace that time…I showered, I made tea, I watched my shows, and now I’m working on my blog.  I will go to bed early tonight, but I will not be sick today.

On Tuesday, something cool happened.  I posted my page for the AFSP out of the Darkness walk.  For the new reader, this is a charity that is very close to my heart.  I am pretty sure this year marks my tenth of participation.  I started going because my friend Beth was interested and asked me to come with her.  It was kind of weird at first…there were so many people who were sad, but they seemed to be celebrating as well.  It was a juxtaposition I became interested in.

Over the years, it grew from a few dozen folks to a few hundred, maybe even a thousand or more.  One thing they used to do was read a list of names of people who had committed suicide in the community.  They stopped once it got bigger.  That seemed sad, to me.  Last year, due to the pandemic, there was no walking.  Instead, Mark and I went down during an appointed time slot to pick up my t-shirt and some other goodies, and have our picture taken (below.)   I had raised 500$, in partial thanks to an anonymous donor.  Which brings me back to…Tuesday.

I posted all my info for my new fundraising page, and then took a little nap.  When I awoke, I had an email from the AFSP, saying that I had reached my goal of 500 bucks.  Um…what?

I set the bar high this year, because it was my tenth year.  Did I think someone would come through with the whole thing withing two hours of me posting?  No, I did not.

I sort of should have, though?  Like, this isn’t new.  Someone has been making large anonymous donations for years.  I don’t know if it’s the same person or different people, or what.  I have no idea who this mystery giver is.  But I love them.

I love them because I think they know me, and I think they know my struggle.  I can’t imagine anyone just donating large sums without knowing me, if I’m honest.  This person must be in my atmosphere, and I wish I knew who they were.  Alas, I respect the anonymity they want to keep, and I am forever grateful for their support.

Now, I’ve reached my goal, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still donate, of course.  I just won’t be pushing it much, which is good news for your social media feeds.  I am hopeful that this year there will be actual walking involved, too.  I try to stay positive with these thoughts, because someday everything will go back to normal.  In the meantime, there’s still little miracles, like anonymous donors and waking up feeling well.

Oh!  Also, in this time-suck of a week, I had a poem come out at Cabildo Quarterly that you should definitely check out!

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Walk to Fight Suicide

On the 7th I will be participating in the Out of the Darkness Walk sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. So naturally I’m hyping it all over social media. Please read my story below, and click here if you would like to donate!

I’m walking in the Out of the Darkness Buffalo Walk to fight suicide and support AFSP’s bold goal to reduce the suicide rate 20% by 2025.

Several years ago, my friend Beth asked me to walk with her in the AFSP’s Out of the Darkness walk.  I obliged, unaware of what this walk would come to mean to me.  I have struggled with mental illness since childhood, and have had moments in my life where suicide seemed like a viable option.  I found that I could never take my own life, mainly because of my sister, who is my bright spot in all things dark. However, I wanted to help others who haven’t found their bright spot yet, and help them move away from the destructive path of depression that often leads to suicide. 
 I started raising money and participating in the walk yearly.  I recruited friends and family to participate. I even suggested to my mother that her employer, a mental health organization, set up an information booth.  Next year, health providing, I hope to volunteer on the planning committee. It has become my pet charity, and has a mission statement I believe in.
 I want anyone reading this to know that they are not alone.   I want my friends and family to know that they can reach out to me at any time.  I want those suffering from depression, abuse, trauma, illness, and addiction to choose one more day. 
 I did.
 Keep choosing more. Keep hanging on. It may not get easier, but that doesn’t mean it can’t get better.  I can tell, from my experience, that it does indeed get better.

Please help me reach my goal by clicking the “Donate” button on this page. All donations are 100% tax deductible and benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), funding research, education, advocacy, and support for those affected by suicide.

Thank you for your support!