Today is Friday, not Thursday., when I usually update, because I have been living in a fog all week, trying to adapt to my new schedule. The day got away from me yesterday, and almost did today, as well. I have a few moments now, though, so here we are.
May is Mental Health Awareness month. Since we are smack dab in the middle of it, I thought I would take this time to discuss my own personal journey with mental health…but then the illness piece kicked in and blanked out my brain.
See, I first came down with depression when I was about 9 years old. Anxiety shortly followed, then trichotillomania, further manifesting into some vicious obsessive-compulsive disorder. I went untreated until I was eighteen. Throw a pile of PTSD on that, and you have yourself a whopping case of mental illness.
Since my adolescence, I have also had diabetes. But I tell you what, I have yet to have someone tell me to “get over” being diabetic, or that if I “think positive,” or “try yoga,” or “get some more sleep,” then my Hemoglobin A1C will go down. Yet all these things have fallen from the mouths of those who were trying to “help” me with my mental health. It’s just further proof of the stigma.
So many people hide their mental illness because they are afraid of what others will think of it, and I want you to know that anyone who doesn’t treat your mental health on the same playing field as your physical health is an idiot. Yes, I can absolutely die from diabetes. And yes, I can absolutely die from depression, as well.
Every year I walk in the Out of the Darkness walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I do this so I don’t die, guys. I do this so that every year I can celebrate the fact that I made it ANOTHER YEAR. It’s not unlike other walks, where you have supporters, those who have lost loved ones, and those who are still fighting. I am one of those people still fighting, and I’m always going to be, because Major Depressive Disorder is a bitch.
People are a lot more open today then they were 20 years ago when I first started therapy. At least this much is true, but still I feel that we as a society judge mental illness far more harshly than physical illnesses. It’s almost like we are blamed for it, as if we have done something to deserve it, or we are seen as “less-than.” You’ll notice that no one ever feels that way about a cancer patient. No one says they must’ve brought that cancer on themselves, or it’s in their power to control that cancer. Listen, if I knew how to control my serotonin levels on my own with some superpower, don’t you think I’d be doing it?
I’ve been depressed this week, because I haven’t been very active since surgery and also, it’s been a little lonely without Mark around…our schedule is still not meshing. I am, of course, looking for my silver linings, which come in the form of the ability to start hiking again next week with Kevin, and…drumroll…SAHAR IS HERE!! My nearest and dearest drove up from Ohio to see me and I am thrilled. In fact, I’m going to wrap this up now because she is on her way over. But my point here is that despite being depressed, I am finding things to look forward to, thus making myself happier. It’s one of the many items in the emotional toolbox that I have been constructing for the past 20 years.
Also, break a stigma! Don’t let anyone tell you you’re lesser because you have a mental illness! You are a strong and special warrior and you should be treated as such!