Hospital Haziness

I have had many fears over the past couple of weeks about going to the hospital.  For one, I don’t want to be exposed to Covid.  Secondly, I don’t want to take up space and resources from those that have it.  Third, change terrifies me, and it seems like every time I end up in the ER there is some huge change happening.  And on top of all this, I have been living with the worry that I will not be getting my surgery any time soon, as all elective surgeries have been cancelled.

So, when I woke up sick at six am yesterday morning, I held my ground.  I took some Compazine and Bentyl and Xanax and tried to get the storm to pass, but sometime around 11am, there was blood in the vomit, so off I went.

I was the only person in the waiting room.  It occurred to me that perhaps others were avoiding the ER, too.  I was momentarily grateful, as my name was immediately called and I was registered right away.

They put me in a room.  A doc came in with a med student.  A quick exam, and three shots in the arm: Compazine, Ativan, morphine.  Some blood work, and Xray, and then to a chair in the internal waiting room with a nice heated blanket and two women watching soap operas.  Sleep.

Awake.

Moved to another room.  Given papers, told to leave.  Out the door and into my mom’s car and home again and then back to…sleep.

It was probably the easiest ER trip I’ve ever had and for that I am super grateful.  But then there is the leftover haze the next day, as I sit down to type my blog, and I can’t seem to remember what I had to say.  That’s the worst part, even worse than my sore esophagus.  Still…

In the past week, two people I know were diagnosed with Covid, and one had a major scare that turned out to be something else, thank God.  And that right there: “thank God it was something else,” is the problem.  It is the perfect illustration of why Covid is so scary; we will always be rooting for the lesser of two evils, and Covid is the supreme evil of the moment.

They talk a lot on the news about people who won’t wear a mask, and their arguments are pretty hypocritical at most times.  But I look around and I see way more people volunteering to do so than not, and that gives me hope. 

I have diabetes, so I am high-risk for Covid.  I’ve worn a mask since day one.  I will continue to do so well into the future.  I intend to get the vaccine when it is available to me.  When I see people eschew the science because of their so-called “personal freedoms,” all I can think is “wow…that asshole wants me dead.”

I don’t know.  Maybe it was the 20 years of Catholicism that taught me the whole “do unto others” song and dance, but I just don’t see why grown adults are behaving like petulant children.  I can’t get sick, guys.  I am sick enough.

So, my ER trip went better than expected, but only served as a reminder that this thing is serious.  And people are acting like it isn’t.  I mean, I’m not perfect.  I try to follow the rules as best I can but I have certainly slipped up.  But I’m trying.  Some people aren’t even doing that.

I know this blog was a little all over the place.  I’m a little all over the place, still floating on that hospital fog and definitely needing a couple more hours of sleep.  But if you take nothing else from this post, take this: wear your damn mask.

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An Open Letter to the Covid-19 Deniers

Warning:  rant ahead.

Dear Denier,

Hello.  You may or may not know me, but for the purposes of this letter I will state for you a few facts about myself.  1.  I have diabetes and gastroparesis, two chronic illnesses that make my life extra rough.  2.  I was raised in a religious environment, and while I have shirked many of the less savory aspects of that I have retained my core belief in doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, not to mention the basic teachings of Jesus on how not to be an jerkface.  That said…

I am sick and tired of seeing people politicizing Coronavirus, denying its impact, refusing to wear a mask, swearing to not receive a vaccine, and fighting to reopen before we are ready.

I saw a post on Facebook listing all the things I supposedly don’t give a shit about if I don’t want to the economy to reopen yet…like kids getting poor homeschool educations, people trapped with their abusers, rising unemployment, small businesses who might go under, etc.  It took every ounce of restraint to not reply with: Here’s 100,000 things YOU don’t give a shit about, along with the photo below.

Here’s the thing:  it is totally possible to care about all of that, AND care about the health and safety of yourself and your loved ones, AND worry about government overreach.  None of these things are mutually exclusive, and if you think they are then you are devoid of something, whether it be in your brain or your heart.

I am high risk.  If I get COVID, I will likely end up in a hospital.  A ventilator will not be out of the question.  Death will not be out of the question.  I am a sick person already, and this virus preys on sick people.  But it also preys on the healthy, and your denial isn’t going to change that fact.  So, when I see you say you won’t wear a mask or get a vaccine, what you’re saying, to me, is “I don’t care if you die.”

Now, I don’t care about politics when it comes to this.  I don’t care what Trump or Cuomo did or said or whatever.  All I care about is that people are dying.  I am sick of hearing…

“Oh, but people die from the flu.”  Yeah.  34,000 last year.  Except it’s been 4 months and 100,000 have died from Coronavirus.  Do your math. 

“Oh, I shouldn’t have to wear a mask in the store…that’s tyranny!”  About that…you have to wear shoes and a shirt, too, but no one has a problem with that.  Grow up. 

“Oh, this is just being exaggerated by the left!” Yeah…tell that to the other 187 countries who don’t give a crap about our government. Get a global perspective.

And the kicker?  The thing that really gets stuck in my craw?  The people who seem to be so against quarantine are the people who mourned hard when the towers fell.  We lost 3.000 Americans that day, and you wanted to help.  You wanted to do anything you could for your country.  You flew your flag and cried during your news stories and some brave heroes even flew in to help. 

But 100,000 in four months?  Fuck ‘em.

I don’t unfriend people for political beliefs, but I will drop you like a hot potato if you’re selfish enough to put my life in danger.  If you’re stunted enough to be unable to accept new facts and adjust your beliefs accordingly.  And if you’re cold enough to ignore a global crisis because you feel inconvenienced.  That is all unacceptable behavior to me, and has to do with who you are at your core, not what you believe in. 

I wish you luck.  I’m no holder of grudges, and I wish well even on the people who have wronged me, because I was raised to believe that forgiveness is key.  Some people weren’t, and that’s ok.  But, if money and politics is more important to you than human life, you’re missing something, friend.  And I’m not interested in sticking around until you find it.

Sincerely,

Brigid

/end rant.