Try, Try Again.

I read a quote a long time ago, that said “so long as you’re trying, I’m staying.” I have often said this to my husband, who has gone through some battles that are not mine to share, but have caused him to have to try very hard at many emotional aspects of life. This, of course, includes our relationship, and I must say it is not a one-way street- I, too, have much baggage, and we have agreed that’s so long as we’re trying to heal and fix our issues, we will support one another 100%.

This blog is about trying.

I am a little sad as I write this, because I am always a little sad since Momma’s passing. I, of course, think of her many times a day, and when I think about the word “trying,” she is who comes to mind. She is the one who always encouraged me to keep trying, even if I felt like I was up against insurmountable odds. She had unlimited faith in me, and she gave that faith to me, instilling it in my brain. Maybe that’s why I have such ridiculous self confidence, but I would be lying if I told you my mother ever told me to give up.

I have been trying very hard as of late to live what I consider to be a “normal” life. I have not had much experience with this, because as soon as things started to fall into place for me, I became sick. That seems to be the trend over the past few years. For instance, yesterday: I woke very sick. I vomited several times, and I tried to chalk it up to stress. And perhaps it was in that moment, because I had a busy day ahead. I had to be at Avis at 8:00 a.m. and I knew that there was a lot of work waiting for me there, and we are back from school now as well, so I had to be there by 2:30. Somehow, miraculously, I managed to get myself to Avis and work my full shift, only running to the bathroom to throw up once. By the time I left however, I was in extreme pain. On the drive home, I had to pull over to the side of the road it got so bad. When I got home, the vomiting had started, and then 2 hours later I find found myself in the emergency room. It got to the point this time where I was coughing up blood, which usually means damage to my esophagus. Wonderful. They gave me some medicine that did nothing, and then a nurse looked at my chart and realized they didn’t give me the medicine they were supposed to. Lifesaver nurse goes and gets it immediately, and I drift off into a 2-hour sleep. When I wake up they are giving me water, and sending me home.

I still felt like death, and woke up periodically through the night to get sick again. I was certain I would be sick this morning. Alas, here we are. I obviously did not make it to school in the afternoon, and when I awoke this morning to a group text from my boss about attendance, I won’t lie that I felt called out. Not that I don’t understand, especially given the educational field’s need for ratios. And it’s not like we have unlimited staff. The problem is that I have been in this situation before- I had a job that I loved and then I lost because of my stupid uncooperative stomach.

See, I thought I could try- I could try again with something a little less demanding, and I can see how it went. I’ve been there for a year, and it’s been a good year, but still my stomach- she prevents it from being a great one. Same with Avis, I thought I could try and have an almost normal work schedule. But then I got really sick earlier this month, and now I am scared I will be sick again and miss more time there- no, there are no ratios to contend with, but it is just me and boss-Mark. That’s two people for what I would consider to be a five person business.  And still, I want to try, likely because of the old saying that the grass is greener on the other side. Sure, I bet there are plenty of people working a nine to five who would be happy to be free of that schedule, but oh, what would I not give for it. To be able to rely on such things, what a wonderful world that would be.

Anyway, I think I need to try something else. I’m not saying I’m quitting my jobs, those are just examples, but I have to try to make a living in a way that my stomach cannot interfere with- and so far as close as I have gotten is the writing. I just need to make more money at it somehow.

What would my mom tell me to do? Keep hunting, keep trying, do whatever you need to do to get to where you want to go. So that is what I will do, wake up each day and try harder. And if I can’t try harder, I will try a little. Either way, I will, in the immortal words of my aunt Ka, my mother’s sister, I shall keep on keeping on.  I will try.


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