I haven’t sat down at my computer since Thursday. The kids were here so no work was done, and I’m pretty sure one of the kiddos broke my desk chair. Awesome.
Yesterday, I had a panic attack. It was around 1030pm and I could not fall asleep. Both Mark and I had big days ahead, and I was very hungry all of a sudden. I went in search of a snack and couldn’t find anything suitable, and suddenly, I was crying. By the time I walked out to the living room, I was hyperventilating. By the time Mark woke up and realized I was in panic mode, my heart started beating out of my chest, and my whole body ached. Mark ran to find my Xanax and I took it and did some breathing exercises.
Why was I panicking? Couldn’t tell you, in the moment. I thought maybe it was just stress over the fact that I couldn’t sleep when I knew I had to be up before 6am, but it really wasn’t that. It wasn’t even the lack of snacks. It was just that I suddenly had this very childlike anger about not getting what I want.
Due to various circumstance, I have been sacrificing many things I want. From writing advancement costs to large household purchases to simple everyday pleasures, I have said no. And then, at 1130pm, when all I want is a couple Cheese Doodles and a good night’s sleep, the universe denies me this modest act?! I don’t know; I just snapped.
It’s not that I really mind, you see. I am sacrificing for a greater goal, and that is just fine with me…most days. But some days, my inner 6-year-old comes out and throws a hissy fit. I just want what I want when I want it!
I don’t know if this feeling triggered my attack, but I’m guessing. It’s how I felt in the moment when I started to cry, and I think it just snowballed from there.
I am remembering school today, because right about now we would be working on our Lent assignments, always the same every year: what are you giving up for Jesus? I was typically urged to give up sweets, because I was fat in the 90s…before the rest of America caught up. I knew one girl whose whole household gave up television. I thought that was some serious commitment on their parents’ part. Then, on Ash Wednesday we would read our little essays about sacrifice and get ashes on our foreheads and have fish for dinner.
So, if you’re a constant reader than you know I quit Catholicism some time ago, but all this stuff? The sacrifice and the no meat and such? Indoctrination, baby. I can’t not think about it once Mardi Gras rolls around (which I would much rather celebrate.)
Sometimes, even as an ex-Cath, I think of some sacrifice to make during Lent. Something small…or something nice to do for someone else maybe. Not this year. I’m not giving anything up, because I have been sacrificing for a very long time now. This year I am going to reap some benefits, damnit.
Mark and I both started new jobs, so we are extremely hopeful life is about to change up real fast. I can feel it coming, I’ve had some very prophetic dreams, and I have been told that I’m a little bit psychic (by a psychic, no less.) So, I am currently confident in a quick end to the sacrifice.
Though, let’s be real…how quick? Probably six weeks. Let’s circle back at Easter.