I would love to update you on some thrilling adventure I have had recently, or new thing I have discovered, or adorable anecdote from the kiddos. I would love to tell you about my writing endeavors, and my fishing encounters, and my glorious days of feeling well and wonderful.
I ain’t got any of that.
I can’t tell you how many times I was in the emergency room last week. I don’t remember. I know one day it was twice…so that was two craploads of drugs pumped into me that made me completely forget the following day. And on Sunday night, I found myself trapped under plastic sheeting as they put in a central line, after two hours of trying to find a vein that hadn’t scarred over. Yesterday I felt better, but also generally like someone hit me with a truck, and then kicked me in the chest for good measure.
I had great plans for this weekend and I was sick the whole time, which sucked because we had the girls and I promised them we would go fishing. Instead, I was sleeping or puking. It’s things like this that take a mental toll, too, because then you feel like a disappointment to other people. Like, my mom made this lovely Irish breakfast for all of us Sunday morning and I immediately vomited it up, thus ending what looked like it might have been a good day. It’s just depressing.
And then comes Monday, wherein I had plans. I have reading to do. I have writing to do. I have work to do. But I can’t do a thing. I can’t sit at the desk long enough, or hold the mouse even, because my arms feel like they weigh 6000 pounds. The bruises in the crooks of my elbows and on my wrists are aching with each word I type. The only reason, and I mean the ONLY REASOIN I am even sitting here right now is because I am clinging to a tiny shred of normalcy, and in this moment, that would be my blog.
Today is the one-year anniversary of my grandfather’s death, by the way. It was a terrible week that I wrote of in detail, and this year has somehow simultaneously flown and dragged without him. Today we are going to the cemetery to place a wreath on his grave. I haven’t been to it, yet. The only grave I visit is Ka, so this is one of those milestone-style things for my anxiety. Thing is, it doesn’t seem such a big deal to me, at least not as it was a year ago when they went to the cemetery after the services, and I went back to my Gram’s house instead.
Because, you see, I’m stressed elsewhere. I’m anxious in other areas. I’m depressed in a different department. My stupid, stupid, STUPID stomach.
But soon…soon the phone will ring and I will answer and it will be the scheduler for my surgery and they will tell me help is on the way.
Until then, I’ll dream of the things to come, like not getting sick daily or ending up in the ER monthly because they’re going to blast a hole through my stomach (I mean, that’s not the technical procedure, I just like to tell people that.) Like the fact I’ll probably lose some weight during my subsequent liquid diet and fit into the bathing suit I bought last summer that was just slightly too small. Ooooh! And, of course, once it’s over and I am healed, I am GOING TO CLEVELAND TO SEE SAHAR. That, of course, is the endgame.
So yeah, this blog entry isn’t much more than my complaint form to the universe, but in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t exactly shy away from the realities of chronic or mental illness, and the stomach issues coupled with the depression it has caused is really weighing on me right now. I’m not going to sit here and pretend it’s all rainbows and butterflies, because it isn’t. It never was. But, some days, like today, are tolerable enough.