I don’t wanna be here, and I don’t wanna do this…

…is pretty much the theme of my past month or so.  Every Monday I sit at my computer and think about what I want to write about.  I look through the notes I made that week.  I scour the internet for articles that really get my goat.  When desperate, I look for writing prompts.  Then some days I just go on and on about depression and slowly find myself getting more…depressed.


Today I am mostly paralyzed, emotionally.  I am trying very hard to keep my chin up, so to speak, but am finding it difficult.  I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing, and so it really doesn’t look like I’m depressed right now, but I am.  It’s called High Functioning Depression, sometimes Dysthymia, and it is the first diagnosis I ever received.  Eventually that changed to Major Depressive Disorder, as I started suffering from days when I couldn’t get out of bed, which is not what HFD is.  It means you can go about your daily activities, but are still gripped by anxiety, unwelcome thoughts, and feelings of hopelessness and sadness.  Some say that people with HFD are just better at hiding their illness.  That’s crap in my opinion, as I have experienced both kinds of depression.  Today I would say is a high-functioning day.  A couple of weeks ago, when I skipped writing altogether, it was not.  It was definitely a clinical depression day.

Now, since I am trying to get myself into a better mood, I am going to step away from the internet and go outside into the world.  I’m not thrilled about it, but I have to do it.  I’ll spend time with a friend, then go to my doctor’s appointment, then pick my husband and father up from work.  I will do these things and I will be glad to accomplish them, because some days the little achievements are all you can hold onto.


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