Very Bad at Being Very Quiet

“Probably my worst quality is that I get very passionate about what I think is right.” ~Hillary Clinton

I don’t often rage, so permit me.

Here’s some things I hate: Tomatoes.  Music where people are screaming at me.  Wallpaper, in general.  Being told, in any fashion, to sit down and shut up.

Ooh, that last one really gets me.

The other night someone who shall remain nameless but may or may not live in the same house as me said, for probably like the 100th time, that I am too emotional.  Unfortunately for him, he didn’t say it when I was crying at a sappy movie or PMS-ing or talking about missing my dead aunt or something that would have warranted emotionality.  He said it when I was trying to make a point.  I’m not sure about what, but it was primary night so let’s assume it was political, and the “emotion” he was alerting me to was a slight raise in my voice that happens when one speaks with conviction.  As you can imagine, this small misstep on his part set off a chain reaction of other emotions.

Now, I have depression, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility for me to be “too emotional” about something.  However, I don’t take my meds just for fun, so let’s assume they do their damn job and that my emotions are in check.  I’ve been called a drama queen and over-emotional and all that before and lord knows I was, but that was over a decade of medication and therapy ago.  I wonder if the people who said those things then would say them now, and I wonder what they’d like me to say about them ten years ago, like we weren’t all train wrecks.  I do have one unfortunate characteristic, and that is the angry-cry.  When I’m mad, my eyeballs leak.  Do not take that as a sign of weakness or I will attack.  Other than that, I am bringing a full deck to the game.  I don’t like the stigma that because I have an emotional problem, I can’t handle my emotions.  I have a diabetes problem too.  I take some insulin, and guess what? I handle my diabetes.

So, emotional issues aside, why is it that he who shall not be named but whose socks may or may not be on the living room floor right now thinks he needs to tell me to calm down when I start speaking passionately?  Because he’s a man and they get nervous when we get uppity.  I can’t explain it to you, because I can’t explain it to myself. So many times in my life a man has told me to lower my voice, or calm down, or wait my turn to speak, or use more polite language.

You first, douchebag.

I have written before about how I don’t understand double standards.  They literally do not resonate with me in any way.  I cannot wrap my head around how anyone has rules on their behavior based solely on their gender.  Rules based on basic humanity, sure, but gender? Why does having a uterus mean that one has to follow a set of guidelines developed by people without one?  I just don’t get it, and I don’t think I’m ever going to.  The casually sexist way people like he who is nameless but needs to do the goddamned dishes react to women is unfortunately ingrained in them somehow…it reminds me of the 18 years of Catholicism I’m still trying to wash out of my hair.  I often call him out on various misogyny that he doesn’t even realize he’s doing until I explain why it’s offensive. (Then he gets mad he’s been doing it all along, like the patriarchy tricked him or something.  It’s actually adorable.)  I grew up in a household where both parents worked and shared household duties.  I went to a school where I was told I could be anything I wanted to be.  I grew up with Kevin, who never saw me as different and always included me, even if he was hanging with the boys.  I genuinely do not understand gender disparity; it seems silly and outdated and frankly, a big fat waste of my time.

Anyway, like those other times, he whom I love very much did apologize, after a loud speech on gender equality and some unfortunate angry-crying.  It just made me sad.  If someone I care about so much who loves me too can just slip into casual sexism like that, then anybody can, and that’s depressing.

That’s something to get emotional about.

Edit, Tuesday:  I couldn’t find any photo or anything for this blog but I did hear this song this evening and thought it appropriate.


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